My long vacation from the computer is now at an end.  I must say it was interesting and despite convention I did not miss it.  Of course I became obsessed with jigsaw puzzles and my Nintendo DS instead…maybe I will always need something to give a good chunk of my time to.

I was hoping I would become more efficient with my use of the internet, as in not flying off track to sites posting silly pictures or quotes.  And to my credit that is not what I did my first time out.  Instead I spent nearly two hours on http://www.erosentertainment.com/ perusing all their bollywood DVDs.  I couldn’t leave the site after I discovered they were having a huge sale and I could get Om Shanti Om for only 7 dollars.  (For anyone who does not know this movie I highly encourage you to watch it.)

So maybe my return to the internet is not going so well.  Maybe I should take more time off.  However, facebook and friends feels neglected.  Do I wish to reconnect to all that?  Not sure…not sure…

I just took a short hiatus and it was nice.  I believe I will take another.

It is amazing how susceptible I am to the weather.

Yesterday it was sunny and warmer, I was restless and accomplished quite a few things.  Including the impromptu leaf blowing of the mass of foliage in the backyard.

Today it is cloudy, gloomy and wet from last night’s rain.  Now I am lethargic and uninterested in life.  Generally I do nothing for the day, incapable of motivating myself.

What am I supposed to do when my life is interrupted by unpleasant weather days?

I really do believe I need a warmer, sunnier climate to thrive.  And upstate New York is not the place for such things this time of year.

It has been mostly sunny for three days now.  Time to celebrate such a glorious thing.

But I am still thinking fondly of Sarasota, FL and hoping one day to try my hand at moving there.  As things stand now, I will not be able to get there till January.  I hope the darkening weather does not overpower me first.

I want to win the lottery.

To let my mom renovate and update everything she wants to in this precious old house.

To let my sister and brother-in-law renovate their really old house as much as they please.

To let my two adorable nieces go to college anywhere they so choose.

To give the Danang/Quang Nam Fund of Vietnam all the monetary support they need to keep doing what they do best.  http://www.danangquangnamfund.org/

To take all my old companions from Japan back in a first class extravaganza of memories and revived bonds of friendship.

There is more, there is always more.  But the moment I think of the lottery and the minute chance I have of winning, this is what comes to mind first and foremost.

My mother’s two old college roommates are visiting this weekend.  There is lots of shopping and girly chatter all around.  It is like having three mothers instead of one for a couple days, which isn’t always the best of things.

Somehow I hope one day my old college friends and I can have annual weekend get-togethers where it is as if we were never apart even if we have aged another year apart.

Complaint:

Why is it once I am stable, or mostly so, something comes along to disrupt this equilibrium?  The peace negotiations between my brain and my mind beak down and war resumes.  My brain charges the battlefield intent on bringing about a painful elation or complete despair.  While my body struggles to comply with my mind with medications, strict bedtimes, sunlamp usage and no alcohol.  A bid for a middle ground between the brain’s extreme ideals is the mind’s call to arms.  The carnage continues.

While others sit back passing time dreaming of their future careers, family and even extended vacations in faraway places I dream of being clear headed and able to control myself.  Most want happiness, I crave to be content.  Who cares about the rest?  I find each new plan I hatch is another effort to find that place in life where I can remain in remission, wasting a great deal of money and time in the process.  Another idea creeps in after each defeat.  Maybe, just maybe, this next move will tip the scales enough and silence the neurotransmitters and chemicals.

After days of deep contemplation on what I would like to tell the world I have come up with nothing, at least there is nothing right at the moment I want to say.

So it is time to introduce Tom Robbins.  One of my favorite authors and so very close to my heart because of how he strings words and thoughts together in such unique ways.  I encourage any and everyone to read some of his work.

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

                                                    —Tom Robbins

I am bipolar.

Which means a bunch of neurotransmitters and chemicals like to party in my prefrotal cortex (the emotion factory).

Which means there are times I am not in control.  And anything that may affect a normal person’s emotions in a negative way can make me relapse.

Which means I take about 12 pills a day.  I have become adept at swallowing the annoying little suckers.

I was diagnosed in January of 2009, five months before I turned 23.

Which means most of my life has been spent fighting a fight I could not win and missing out on many things.

Now I fight for stability and the opportunity to finally find out what it is I want in life.

Fun times. 

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